Sometimes, 2009
10 minute play

(Film adaptation, 2012)
PREMIERING AT THE MARYLAND FILM FESTIVAL MAY 5th & 6th 2012!

Directed by Sarah Milinski with screenplay adapted by Dina Kelberman and Sarah Milinski.
Starring Mason Ross, Cricket Arrison, Adam Endres, and Caitlin Williams

[Teaser trailer embedded below]

Mason Ross as Sam. Photo by Joe Perez

Mason Ross as Sam, Joshua Kelberman and Justin Durel as Panty. Photo by Nate Dorr	Mason Ross as Sam, Joshua Kelberman and Justin Durel as Panty. Photo by Joe Perez
Mason Ross as Sam, Joshua Kelberman and Justin Durel as Panty. Photo by Joe Perez	Kevin Coelho as Further, Cati Dougherty as Pardo

This play was originally produced for The 10 Minute Play Festival in Baltimore, 2009
Directed by Sarah Fask. Starring Mason Ross, Cricket Arrison, Joshua Kelberman, Justin Durel, and Kevin Coelho, and Tim Kabara

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SOMETIMES

CAST (in order of appearance)

Pardo – wears a white t-shirt and black shorts
Sam – wearing a superman-esque mask and cape. Maybe the whole gear? Who knows?
Panty – a pantomime horse
Boss – a regular, suit-wearing, office type
Further – joe blow

SCENE 1

Lights up. The set is bare. PARDO and SAM are on, stage right. Sam is extremely confident and alive, perhaps for the first time. Pardo is encouraging but skeptical.

Pardo: Listen, I really don’t think this is a good idea.

Sam: It’s a great idea!

Pardo: Sam, you can’t possibly dress like that all the time! It’s INSANE!

Sam: Can too! Wanna bet? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. YOU JUST GOT SERVED!

Pardo: You don’t even know what that means!

Sam: It means, I GOT THIS.

Pardo: Don’t you have to go to a job? Are they gonna let you work at the office like that?

Sam: I can tuck it into my pants, see? (demonstrates cape-tuck)

Beat.

Sam: It’s a great idea!

Sam walks off stage left with a huge, confident stride. Pardo follows. Lights down.

SCENE 2

Lights up. Sam and PANTY walk on from stage left, commiserating together.

Sam: It’s just hard to explain, you know? It’s like sometimes I just think Pardo doesn’t get me at all. Like, what I’m ABOUT. You know? I’m ABOUT stuff.

Panty: What kind of a name is “Pardo” anyway?

Sam: It’s Spanish for “Pedro.”

Panty: Ugh. Spanish.

Sam: Anyway, it’s just . . . just . . . sometimes I get so upset . . . it just makes me want to fly up into the air and sit on top of a monument! Do you know what I mean?? I mean, does that ever happen to you?

Panty: We can’t really do that.

Sam: Yeah, I know, I’m sorry.

Panty: You wanna go get some oats?

Sam: Nah, that’s okay.

They walk off stageright together. Lights down.

SCENE 3

Lights up. Sam sits stage right at an office desk w/ computer and printer or something. He is typing and stuff. Maybe there’s some pencils around. BOSS enters from stage left.

Boss: (almost consolingly) Um, listen . . . you’re fired.

Lights down.

SCENE 4

Lights up. Sam and Panty sit on a couch, center stage. Sam is slumped on one side, looking dejected. Panty sits crosslegged staring at a laptop. It would probably be pretty funny if Panty was wearing reading glasses.

Panty: (looks up from laptop) Look, it’s probably going to be okay.

Sam: I have no idea what I’m doing when I do anything.

Panty: Yeah, that seems to be the case. But let me instill in you some words of wisdom. Have you ever heard Rothbard’s Law? “Everyone specializes in his own area of weakness.”

Sam: Great. Thanks. Wait, isn’t that bad?

Panty: “Individuals can expect miracles to happen to them, at the rate of about one per month.”

Sam: Ridiculous.

Panty: “Neurons that fire together wire together.”

Sam: Cute.

Panty: “The pursuit of balance can create imbalance because sometimes something is true.”

Sam: That’s a good one. How do you know all these?

Panty: I just wikipediaed “adage.”

Sam: Ah.

Lights down.

SCENE 5

Lights up. The couch is gone. There is a large T.V. or projection upstage center. It turns on, showing a computer desktop with several browser windows open. One shows the wikipedia page for List of Eponymous Laws. We see that it has been edited to contain a photo of Sam waving at the camera, visible despite having another open browser window on top of it, showing a YouTube video titled “Hammock Fall”. It has exactly 1,000,000 hits.

The YouTube video starts playing. It shows FURTHER laying in a hammock and then flipping around, in that way hammocks do, and falling on the ground. Pardo can be made out in the background laughing. When the video ends, the T.V. turns off. Lights down.

SCENE 6

Lights up. Sam, Pardo, and Further walk on from stage right. Further is wearing a gold crown and necklaces and is carrying a scepter. Sam looks dejected and annoyed.

Further: Yeah, I guess I just got lucky. I was tellin’ em, you know that interview I did with InterTelenetMagazine.com? Whatever, their show’s retarded, they got everything wrong, but I was telling em how like, I try to keep my head about the whole thing, you know? I mean, there’s a lot going on on YouTube besides just me. Tom Stoppard was there, I hung out with him backstage.

Pardo: Oh yeah? Tom Stoppard? Huh.

Further: Yeah, he’s a pretty cool dude.

Pardo: Yeah, that’s cool.

Sam: Are we gonna get some food? Can we get some food? God I’m fucking starving!!! OH MY GOD I’M STARVING TO DEATH!!!!!! (Falls to the ground clutching stomach)

Pardo: Sam, this is not how we behave.

Further: (a little freaked out) Hey, you know, I actually gotta go, but I’ll see you guys later. Exits stage left.

Pardo: Will you get up? Look, we can go to Subway, it’s right up the block.

Sam: (stands up) Ah, I’m not really hungry.

Sam stalks off stage left, followed by Pardo. Lights down.

SCENE 7

Lights up. The couch is back, Sam sits in the same way as before, Pardo sits where Panty was before, staring at a laptop.

Sam: Everything I do is worse than everything everyone else does.

Pardo: This form is insane. It’s so confusing. What the hell is a “Zip Pin”??

Sam: What are you doing?

Pardo: I’m trying to submit my stuff for this thing. It’s in Tornado.

Sam: It’s in a tornado??

Pardo: Tornado, West Virginia.

Sam: (happy and excited) Yeah, but what if it was in a tornado??

Pardo: I think that would probably be really difficult to deal with.

Sam: How’s that?

Pardo: Are you now pretending to not know what a tornado is?

Sam: I’m just trying to hang out with you.

Pardo: I’m in the middle of something.

Sam returns to glum silence.

Pardo: Do you know if we live in an “Urban Renewal Bracket”?

Lights down.

SCENE 8

Lights up. Sam sits on top of what is understood to be the top of a monument, high in the air. He is calmly eating a sandwich and staring, off upstage right, thinking. Lights down.

SCENE 9

Lights up. Sam and Panty enter from stage left. Panty is wearing a mask and cape much like Sam’s.

Panty: Anyway, I’m just pretty sick of the whole YouTube scene in general. It just seems like everybody’s doing the same thing, you know? It’s all just a big fad.

Sam: Yeah, I guess so.

They pause.

Sam: Hey, uh, aren’t you hot in all that? I mean, the whole pantomime horse thing and the mask and cape and stuff?

Panty: We’re okay.

Sam: Just seems like it must get pretty hot.

Panty: It’s fine.

Sam: (dejected) Yeah. (Sighs in defeat.)

They exit, stage right, Panty first, Sam following, looking miserable.

THE END